Starting this blog because a few of my friends have a wordpress account and because I am bored. Cornish College of the Arts gives their students about 4 weeks of winter vacation and for me, for the sake of habit and sanity, it is much to much time away.

I always appreciate time that I can use to think, reorganize, re-categorize, and recenter myself . But after this quantity of time dedicated to that, I feel unproductive. I feel sloppy and a mess. I feel shut out. I can not wait for the doors to reopen at my school, to see my peers and to put to practice the plans and strategies I have been considering these many weeks. I feel it is time for action. Time for my life to begin again. I am unaccustomed to this idleness.

This school year has been a struggle to refocus and adjust my mind. I jumped into my Freshmen year eagerly, but I needed to refine my usual perceptive, analytical nature, lack of which became part of my mental downfall second semester. I took the summer to regain some confidence and to review the events, emotions, and facts of my first year. It is a lot to undertake, analyzing your past while trying to change  bad habits created during that same time. I find it has left me generally less social, humbled (although it feels dangerously close to low confidence and further insecurity), and less happy.

Like all persons growing up and growing out of their childhood, happiness seemed much more simple and easier to attain a few years ago, and even more so many years ago. When I feel ill at ease, tired, and submit to the negativity of my mind, I miss those easy years the most and want nothing more to go back in time. To those companionships, feeling of unity, and success. Success that much easier (and less complicated) to attain back then. Success meant winning the competition, laughing the loudest, or remembering facts from a school book. It meant making it back from lunch off campus with all your friends in time not to be late for AP English.

Now I measure success, more specifically my success, much more harshly. I feel like I made a lot of mistakes last year, in a complicated sense. It was not simple like I forgot to pay a bill or did not take responsibility for a project (in fact usually I took more than my share). I felt I cheated myself of perfection. I made mistakes others would not consider mistakes, but to me, it felt like failure.

I set high standards for myself and feel disgraced when I do not act accordingly. I guess it is my competitive streak, as I felt the same way about Percussion in HS. But it seemed so much simpler then, and in fact it was. Then I demanded fast, clean playing from myself. I was proud of my technique and thought fearsomely ab0ut my success and  the success of my ensemble. I thought not only about the music, but the stage presence. I had very high standards for myself, and it paid off in the form of trust from others, trophies, praise, and teaching jobs.

Now that, from a years reflection, I now realize that I see dance this same way I also realize a pitfall I did not foresee to consider, to add into my equation for success. Now, I am not just learning to play well, I am changing my entire lifestyle. I could not fathom the costs and efforts retired in a new lifestyle a year and half ago. Even now, I feel only a lose grip on the dedication it requires.

But my understanding is developing, and for that, I am proud.

I do not like this much time away from school and work. I become too nostalgic and I find no easy remedy.

Slowly, I am finding confidence again. Slowly, painfully slowly, I am finding I can have fun and be happy again. Now that I better understand my mistakes I can try again, try anew, and  try again to gain approval from myself . It is a long process. I feel my hole is deep. Some days are worse than other. Some months are worse than others. I strive for success in myself.

At this point in my upward climb, I feel that my mind can make sense of my situations enough to log them. I’m going to try to use this space to document the time that precedes, as so I can remember.

Thank you.

Respectfully,

Amy J